I don’t say much about real life. Nobody is very interested in that. I understand. Real life sucks. And I’ve not the slightest idea of how to get through it. I just wake up each day and try to keep going, keep fighting, keep living.
I’ve not talked here at all about my dad. I can’t ever explain how much I love my dad or how he’s always kept me going, but he did.
My dad was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago. It wasn’t the same cancer I’d survived or that my mom had survived. His was found too late for a cure.
It’s been maybe 3 years, but he was given 5-7 at diagnosis. We know he’s not going to survive. I’ve known this for years.
But, my dad was still my dad. I could still go see him in Arizona and at the lake. We could still be father and daughter and laugh and enjoy life. He could forgive everything and all my mistakes in life and I always forgave his.
When he’d left my mom and my mother and I were having some significant problems, I went to stay with my dad at the lake.
I remember, I’d asked him much earlier–“do you love me dad? Do you love me no matter what I did or how stupid it was?”
He said, “yes.”
He asked no questions about what I’d done. He’s pledged his love.
After my parents had separated, and I’d chosen to live with my dad, he was never home. I worked at a bar there and always came home to no one. I didn’t ask. I didn’t get angry.
One day, he asked me, “julie, do you love me? No matter what I do and no matter how stupid it is?”
I smiled because I remembered when I’d asked him the same.
Of course, I said, “yes, dad. I love you no matter what.”
I got used to dad being there when nobody else was. I need him to be there. But, I don’t want him in pain.
Cancer has spread to his bones and liver. He called me today to tell me. It’s been 24 years since we had that talk, but that talk meant everything to me.
Whatever you do, no matter how bad it is, I’ll still love you.
Don’t leave me.