At the risk of sounding like I’m making excuses, I decided to explain.
Every 5 years or so, I try antidepressants again. I’m a “highly sensitive personality,” which I believe is shrink speak for moody. Things effect me. I feel things and sad is one I occasionally feel profoundly. I wrote about emotions and how they are a normal part of being human a few years ago. Nevertheless, when I am honest with the doctor, I occasionally start to cry. Not unlike most people, I go to the doctor when I’m not feeling well. There are some physical issues I’ve dealt with for years, but mostly I go to the doctor because I feel the sadness has become too much for me and I need some help getting through it.
Rather than ask me why I’m sad, or tell me that it’s normal to get sad sometimes, they tell me to try a pill. Every five years or so, I try a pill again. I try a pill to stop me from feeling. It takes about 6 weeks for the pill to take effect and once you’re on them, you can’t suddenly stop. These are pills that change your brain chemistry. You can’t do that and suddenly stop.
Inevitably, I eventually remember why pills don’t work for me. They stop me from feeling anything-joy, anger, sadness. And for me, not being able to feel anything is far more depressing than being sad for a good reason.
When I can’t feel, I do impulsive things to try and feel. I make bigger mistakes than I did when I was angry or sad. The pills make me feel worse. I know they help many people and I’m happy they do. I am not one of those people.
I’ve now nearly weened myself off of those pills completely and am beginning to feel like myself again.
I realize I don’t owe anyone an explanation, but maybe someone will relate to and understand this, and that would make me happy.
Emotions are human. Sadness is an emotion. Sadness and depression are 2 very different things.
If you’re depressed, please seek help and try medications if your doctor believes it’s necessary.