It’s been an interesting 5 years. I believe it’s been that long since I started writing here. It’s the end of another chapter in my life and time to say goodbye to the blog. I wrote what I meant at the moment it was written, but I no longer wish to experience that life. I’ve successfully been 2 different people. Before 2010, I was a successful business woman climbing the ladder. I’d successfully overcome all the emotion and wore my blinders and went forward, ambitious, driven, persistent, and determined. I wanted to be a success in this life and I was. I felt very little except pride and anger. I was, in my mind, becoming the image of perfection: physically, mentally, and socially. I’d survived cancer, rape, beating. I was proud to be a success story that had let go of the past and only worked toward the future. I was proud of being who I thought I was supposed to be and who didn’t care what anyone thought of me. It all changed when a piece of my past seemed to come back, showing me who I used to be and that there wasn’t anything wrong with that person.
She was badly damaged. Some may think broken, but she knew she was broken and didn’t pretend to be anyone but. She wished to escape, but she didn’t know how. She was attracted to other broken people and she felt everything far too much. She’d given everything she had to get through college and to become a better person. She’d succeeded by all appearances. She’d let go of the past and moved on. It required a shift in focus and priorities. It required feeling less and doing more. She’d run away from who she’d been and became someone else. That’s what she felt was required to survive. And then, the past came back.
The past came back and destroyed all the strength I’d built spiritually and emotionally. I knew it someday might, but that fear only pushed me harder, stronger, until there it was–the past was back telling me everything I’d ever wanted to hear: I was worthy; I was special; I was lovable, just as I was. I had changed lives–that old me that wasn’t perfect. I’ve spent the last 8 years being who I was, and who I’d always been.
I gave up perfection; gave up marriage; gave up living as I had thought I was supposed to. I got divorced, lived alone with my son, bought a house, quit my job and began living–or trying to live a different life.
That different life was based on a fantasy. It was a momentary lapse in judgement and the biggest mistake of my life.
I should never have believed in who I was or who I am. I should keep striving for that perfection. It doesn’t matter what I think. All that matters is that I’m perceived favorably by all those judging me; judging us.
While a dream or a fantasy may seem a good thing to strive for, it’s not reality.
Reality says it doesn’t think about you. It doesn’t know you–unless you are perfection.
And I’ve been both driven by reality and driven by fantasy. I’ve seen both; I’ve lived both; and I’ve seen the error in both.
I don’t know who I am now, but I know it’s time to grow up and move on.
So, I’m saying goodbye to the blog. Goodbye to old me, goodbye to new me.
Goodbye until I know who’s left after this.
But, before I retire it, I’m going to publish everything I saved as draft and everything I wasn’t strong enough to leave up here in cyber space. It won’t be shared anywhere. But, I’ll leave it here.
I’m not dead yet. As long as I’m alive, I’ll be writing here.