Six Years Jaded

“A thousand moments. They’re like a bag of tiny diamonds glittering in a black heart. Don’t matter if they’re real or things I made up.”

It’s been 6 years since you re-entered my life, 18 years since we were together. Anytime I think the feelings have passed, something again reminds me; it may be a day, a song, a movie, a place. I cried again 3 days ago in unconscious anticipation of the date. It didn’t take long to realize the reason the water streamed from my eyes. Crying is something that no longer happens often. “Wild Horses” by the Sundays is the song I played.

I’m moving on with life because there’s no other choice. My heart is broken. As Inman said, “I think I’m ruined….if I had any goodness, I lost it. If I had anything tender in me, I shot it dead.” And I’ve come to believe that’s you as well. I truly hope not. I tell myself that you are happy and satisfied. I search every once in a while just for confirmation that you’re still alive. I’m not sure what I’d do if I found out you aren’t alive. I’ve never even thought about it until just now.

I still haven’t watched “Cold Mountain.”  But, as you can tell I did look up some quotes to see if I could find the ones you used. There are other things that remind me of you that I’m still unable to see. The place that the picture above is from, rivers, parks…..I don’t do the outdoors at all anymore. It’s all ruined.

Six years have passed since you found me again. Fourteen days later, I lost you again. Eighteen years ago would be the last time we’d be together. Had I known then what I know now, things may have been different.

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