Once, there was this dumbass

I’ve been in love 3 times in my life. That’s important because hey! There’s always someone else you may fall in love with. I understand feeling lost and hopeless when you lose someone you love, but I also understand settling when you’ve been hurt too much. 
So, dumbass number 1: 

I was madly in love. He was afraid. I told him why he was amazing and why I loved him. I wanted to marry that guy. We were together for about three years. We broke up then because I wanted forever and he didn’t want commitment (he also didn’t want to lose me), but his fear of commitment apparently outweighed his fear of losing me. 

After 12 years, this idiot found me and told me I was the love of his life, I’d changed his life forever; and I’d made him a better man. He was married and had a son and sent me 113 emails after he found me. Actually, dumbass number one is the subject of one of three books. 

Dumbass #2-not coincidentally helped me get over dumbass number one even 12 years later. I was fully committed to waiting for dumbass number one to come back to me. Dumbass number 2 started as a distraction that turned into love and a best friend and then, dumbass number 2 decided a job was more important than love. Having been in a job myself for umpteen years, I did my best to tell him that no, that’s not what’s going to make you happy. Did it work? Hell, no. That dumbass cried when he left because he knew what we had was special and rare, but that dumbass still left. He expected me to still be with him, and I am! I still love dumbass number 2, but we have some fairly serious differences about what’s really important in life. 

Dumbass number 3?  For now, I’ll go ahead and admit that dumbass number 3 is me. Why? Because I eventually lost patience with 1 & 2 and decided to end it and move on. 

In both cases, I’m fairly certain I could have stayed and waited for those two amazing people that I loved, but I was afraid they’d eventually leave me anyway, so I beat them to it. 

For now, I’ll be dumbass number 3. Although I’m hoping to not be. All signs are currently pointing that way. 

I should maybe point out that none of those dumbasses I fell in love with were actually who I ended up married to for 11 years. Marriage is so much easier when you aren’t madly in love. Until, you once again wish to be. 

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